The first time I ever knew your name was in a text
“He lost custody. We got emergency guardianship. She’s one and a half. Her name is Z.”
I was almost 21
Your mom was on meth
Your dad was an alcoholic
Your grandparents were the ones rocking you to sleep
It was supposed to be temporary
No more than a few weeks
But it’s been 10 years
Your dad OD’d when you were six
But you don’t know that
Your mom has disappeared for the third time this year
And you are now painfully aware that some pills are drugs
You were only one and a half when we met
I immediately fell in love
I knew in my heart that in some capacity, we belonged to each other
Four and a half years later
Your sister is born
They’re both sober
I thought surely it was finally over
As I held her for the first time as fireworks erupted in the sky
2021- on The 4th of July
She was a year and a half when he died
And your mom…
Well, all she’s ever been consistent at is being gone
But
Your grandparents were there
Your aunt, uncle, and cousins were there
And I was there
Not for everything, but I tried
I vowed from day one I’d never let you down
So…
The three of us bake together in a too-small kitchen
We celebrate Christmas in July
We sit side by side in the pew every Sunday
We cheer your sister on at t-ball games
And dance recitals
And you at soccer
We play mermaids in the pool, and make “dirty diet cokes” in the summer
We hold each other tight and when you look up at me with those big brown eyes I know
That in my heart, you two are mine
I don’t know much, but I do know this
I will never, ever leave you
And I think you know that, too
You know I’m steady
You know I always show up
You know I always “act like myself”
And that Tylenol is only Tylenol
You know I never break a promise
You know that I will run to you with a hug and a kiss when you need it
You know I’m here to stay
You know I’ll never walk away
Because I love you
Last summer, when she left for the first time that year
You drew me a picture with a caption
“I love you like a mother”
You gave me a framed photo of yourself to put in my classroom so my students would know who you are
Baby, everyone in my life knows who you are
Because I love you
So, so much
In 8 years, you’ll be 18
And if you want me to be a mom to you
I will be
In a heartbeat
I won’t even have to think
Because in my heart you have always been part of me
I love you forever, S & Z
I can’t even put into words how beautiful this piece is. Your story with Z is so full of love and kindness and forgiveness and pain. I could feel the emotions through each line, and I love the subtle repetition in some lines. Absolutely beautiful poem.
So many powerful memories in this poetic narrative! A wonderful tribute to family.
This is such a gorgeous poem, it brought tears to my eyes. I love how every line is another step in your journeys together through 18 years.
I’m memorized with the beauty of this poem. It has truly touched my heart.
Such a very emotional poem and beautifully written.
Abigail, I’m moved–and honored–to read this poem about your devotion to those who are too often shunned. In respect, I’m not going to read anything else today but just reflect on what you have just given me. Thank you.
Craftwise, your use of shorter lines interspersed with well-time longer lines enhanced the impact of your message!
Abby, even as I read this again after my initial experience in writing group, I realize you are wise beyond your years and some of the experiences you’ve chosen to share with us are truly precious thoughts and moments, real and awe-inspiring. While I know writing is cathartic in sorting out our thoughts when presented with a delima, your braveness in sharing them with us is tremendously appreciated. The lines “…you are now painfully aware that some pills are drugs” and “…tylenol is just tylenol” are so relatable in my journey parenting an adopted child.