When a Person Says “I LOVE YOU”

When a person says….

I LOVE YOU

One can expect an I LOVE YOU in return.

Especially if the feelings are mutual…romantically tied together like a secured picturesque bow; ah, so pretty, so comforting.

I LOVE YOU’s can be as tender as moving a simple piece of hair back into place away from a curved face, before going in for a delicate, never-forget-kiss – one of my favorites.

They can also mean; I need you, I trust you and even though it’s a cheesy Avatar Na’vi reference; I SEE YOU.

I know the real you, I have recognized and accepted your soul, I understand you and I honor your place in this world with me- this love, our love is:

evocative, soulful and at times almost musical; like a harp’s chords.

But ONE DAY, I did not want to hear your quick “LOVE YOU” with a orchestrated ending tone.

I do not even know how the conversation started, but your “I’m not in love with you” was excruciating.

I sobbed uncontrollably, the hyperventilating kind, that whirled its way into patchy red skin and an asthma attack.

I was crushed, but I knew why the unexpected shift came, even though you never mouthed the words.

I was in denial, ashamed, trapped and always judged by others or I judged myself.

The “I LOVE YOU’s” turned into punctuation routine sign offs.

BUT did you know what my “I LOVE YOU’s” always meant?

I am grateful for your presence in my life.

I want to impress you.

I respect you.

but then began to realize my actions were not enough.

I had to find SELF LOVE.

I lost myself in the jungle of motherhood.

I tried every diet, even the starving kind, and over the counters that made me shaky.

I debated my feelings because this would be one of the most serious surgeries in my life;

Do I do it for you?

Do I do it for me? So I could hear “I’M IN LOVE” with you again?

The I LOVE YOU’s seemed few and far between from either of us.

I was afraid to say it and get empty air.

In reality?

Too many meds
Too many tangled hosed fights with the CPAP
Not enough sleep
Falling asleep at the stoplight, THAT’s IT!

I decided I had to make a change. My life was too important. If you can’t love me-love me, my girls need me.

The journey was terrifying, emotionally complex, and physically demanding on my bones that felt every pound over.

If I see one more meal-replacement shake; I may vomit right there on the spot.

After surgery, food gets stuck, which leads to nausea and develops into horrific “dumping” events; that feel like they are inches away from an emergency room visit.

I guess some good came out of this;

CPAP? Destroyed. Meds are now vitamins, soda has disappeared for good, pasta is gone, and super sweet things, but why PASTA?

My love relationship with food was severed…. I regretted it for a while, and maybe even regretted you.

Food is now smelly, difficult to look at, prepare or clean up.

But then one day, as I walked out of the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of the “old me”,

the almost-20-years-ago-me.

Weirdly that same day, I think someone flirted with me outside the 7-11. Ewwww?

I felt guilty, maybe angry.

but then your eyes changed.

Aware of the road that I traveled, you realized I did make a sacrifice for you, us, ME.

Slowly your glances

are softer,

and your comments

are kinder.

Even though restaurant outings take planning, you make sure its a place for me and my ragged tummy.

I think you like to be with me out in public again.

You are even concerned when I’m feeling sick of anything or EVERYTHING.

You hold my hand…wait this feels like…

“I’m in LOVE with YOU”

Am I?