‘The Truth Serum’ by Robbie Ortegon

I am honest to a fault. Growing up, my mother called me the truth serum, and although it seemed funny, I don’t think she meant it that way. Oftentimes, I would be the kid who tattled on my siblings. I didn’t mean it in a malicious way or to get them in trouble. I often just felt so guilty by association that I needed to tell someone. 

I don’t know when it started or how it started, but I’ve always been an intense follower of the rules. Something in my brain won’t allow me to simply ignore a rule set in place. Now, I’m not saying I always follow the rules, because we all make mistakes every now and then. I’m saying that I always admit when I break them. It’s like a part of me can’t physically keep my own secret. My guilt will consume me or the stress of knowing I did something I shouldn’t have pushes me to ultimately admit my own faults to someone. 

The most vivid memory I have of this character trait of mine was when my sister and I were playing outside the garage at my parents’ house. We were all talking and my older sister said a cuss word. She was about 13 or 14 at the time. I had never cussed before at the time, so I ran to my mother almost immediately to tell her what my sister had just said. She had to know. Of course, my older sister wasn’t very appreciative of my actions, and she made it very apparent. I could have just simply pretended she didn’t say it, but no, I had to go out of my way to go tell my mother what she had said. Looking back, it seemed like my older sister was the one I tattled on most. Was it because she broke the rules more often? Or was it because I simply wanted her to get in trouble? I really don’t know the answer. Maybe a combination of both? 

Aside from telling on my siblings, I would also say whatever I was thinking, no matter what, all the time. Not all people like that quality in person. Some might call me “brutally honest.” I don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing, but then again, who knows? I’m the type of person to notice something odd or out of the ordinary, something that most people might be able to overlook or pretend they don’t notice out of common decency and point it out to everyone in the room. For example, I’m not afraid to tell someone when I don’t like them. I’m also not afraid to give my opinion on the things I think and believe in. The people closest to me in my life aren’t worried that I’m talking behind their back, because they know if I have anything to say, bad or good, then I would say it to their face. 

I think the reason that I’m so honest is because I hate liars. I hate lying. If I lie, and I think someone knows, I get hot and sweaty, and my hands and legs shake. I can’t stand the thought of being caught in a lie. And maybe that’s why I simply don’t want to be in one. I’d rather have people not like me because I’m too honest than have people like me because of the lies I make up. I’ve met a couple people like that in my life, and to this day, they still won’t admit to some of the lies. A part of me thinks that that part of my personality comes from my parents. Not just my biological parents, but also my stepparents. And my siblings. My entire life I’ve watched my family lie. Some are small lies while others are big lies. I even think my parents aren’t married anymore because of lies. I often watched them and thought, “if you guys were just honest with each other then you could work this out!” But of course, that’s not what happens in real relationships. In real relationships, there’s miscommunication and secrets and addictions and maybe even betrayal. But I wouldn’t know. 

There are so many times in my life where I’ve watched people around me lose relationships over lies. If they had just been honest, then they could have healed what was broken or maybe just lessen the anxiety they were feeling because of what they were keeping inside. I don’t want to be a liar. I don’t ever want to lie to the people I love. It’s not worth it to me. 

My husband knows everything about me. From the good to the bad to anything and everything in between. He knows the things I’ve done, both good and bad. He knows my mistakes and my downfalls, but he also knows my successes and achievements. He knows who I am inside and out, because he knows everything. And he’s chosen to love me, knowing everything about me. He loves me despite the things he knows, and I love him for the same thing. Every now and then, my mother still throws in the truth serum joke, and I don’t try to deny it anymore. I know it’s true, and I’m proud for it to be true. I want to be known as an honest person. I want to be known as someone who you can trust. Someone who will love you, despite knowing your secrets, the good and the bad. I am the truth serum, and I’m proud to be.