The Storm
By Britney Baker
It’s 4:30 a.m. and all I want to do is sit outside and feel. We are alone in the house and he is sound asleep. Unknowing of my absence. Would he really care if he knew I wasn’t next to him? He probably enjoys the whole king size bed to himself. I get it. I have gotten older and I am not attractive anymore. Not like my younger self at all. Intimacy is lost. Is that my low self-esteem talking? Of course, I have been sick. My pitiful stomach has always been an issue, but it didn’t stop me until now.
Things have changed. After the surgery that ripped out my gall bladder, I feel scared. It was not a planned surgery. No one talks honestly about what happens after the gall bladder is taken away from you. I’m like a frightened child who is afraid of the unknown. I guess one failed slip-up and I’m doomed. Gone forever. I think I can handle that, but can my children and my grandchildren. My poor grandbabies, their love and innocence would be lost forever. I know that feeling all too well. I lost my granddad when I was eight years old. Over time, his face starts to blur and I don’t remember what his voice sounds like. How would they handle losing me?
I must find peace. Absolutely no one knows this struggle. At times, I feel okay with my imminent dismissal. At other times, it breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. What would Michael think if he couldn’t see his Mimi anymore? How will Ally grow up without her grandmother’s guidance? My children are adult enough to know how to deal with their feelings, but the grandbabies are not. Who knows, they might surprise me. They might miss my presence, but forget me like I did my granddad. Only one thing takes me back to him. The smell of black cherry cigars mixed with cigarettes. A musty smell combined with rich candied cherry, almond and warm vanilla. It was the one hobby that led to his downfall which he loved until it took him away from me. I also have a memory of him shaving his face and mischievously putting a little shaving cream on my nose.
A chilly gust of wind snaps me back to reality. I’m sitting outside in the cold just so I can feel some resemblance of life. The crickets are chirping so loud, which normally drives me insane because I am not a ‘country girl’. The trees stand tall, not moving an inch. I hear the quiet nature around me. It whispers to me. Telling me to realize that it’s not all about me.
There is a storm brewing. As the hours passed, it got so dark that now I can barely see the trees past the fence line, but I know they are there. Flashes of lightning start to illuminate the sky for a brief moment. Then it’s gone. Like my marriage. Like my life. A sudden glimpse of excitement and passion and then it all slips away. Like I’m being teased. Out of nowhere a single firefly lights up. Who are you? Why are you here? Where are your friends? Are you as alone as I am? I’ll be your friend, little firefly, at least for now. We are in this together. I wonder if we will survive this storm.
